There’s no way to sugar coat this: I’m fat.

There, I said it.

My scale is presently broken (no seriously), but the last time I weighed myself (about 2 weeks ago) I weighed in at 248lb. All the excess of SXSW likely has me at 255, if I were to guess.

One of the more difficult parts of being fat is listening to my friends relentlessly scorn fat people. “God damn fat people”, one of my buddies exclaimed not too long ago (not directed at me). Funny thing is that nearly all of my friends express that sentiment. You can imagine how uncomfortable that makes me…

Yeah, that kind of shit weighs on my mind. I’m not going to lie. But, that’s not even in the top 20 reasons of why I want to transform my body. Hell, maybe not even in the top 50. Truthfully, what other people think isn’t even on my list.

Why do I want to transform myself?

  1. I want to improve my overall health.
  2. I want to love what I see in the mirror.

Ok, enough of the whys and emotional nonsense. Let’s talk about my course of action.

Surprisingly, I’m not in terrible shape. I have been working out 4-5 times per week since December and lost (pre SXSW) about 20lbs. I was not dieting AT ALL. In fact, I was eating more than ever. God knows how many calories I was intaking in a day. 3,000-4,000 at the very least. I was eating all kinds of awful shit.

In fact, if I can be brutally honest, I was working out so I could eat more :)

Anyway, here’s my present routine:

  • Monday: bootcamp-ish workout at 6am.
  • Tuesday: spin class at 6:30am. Weights at 2pm.
  • Wednesday: bootcamp-ish workout at 6am.
  • Thursday: spin class at 6:30am. Weights at 2pm.
  • Friday: bootcamp-ish workout at 6am.
  • Saturday: weights…maybe…

I can easily do 25+ pushups with good form. If I break it into 4 sets with about 20-40 seconds rest in between I can do 100. I don’t have a flat bar bench, but I can probably max at 245lbs+. I easily rip through the 40 minute spin class I go to.

The missing link is my diet.

Without a good diet I will never lose fat the way I want. I will never lose my gut and get even remotely cut. I don’t care about a 6 pack; I think that’s a bit gay. I just don’t want a belly and organs surrounded by fat.

Ok, let’s talk about my diet. I’m going to do the slow carb diet.

What is slow carb? It’s basically low carb with beans. Protein, veggies, beans. Now that is overly simplified, but you get the point. It’s better to show by example. Here’s what I had today:

  • Breakfast (11:30am, shut up I had to buy a frying pan and HomeGoods was closed until 11): 2 fried eggs made with real butter, 1/2 cup black beans sauteed with 1 cup spinach
  • Pre lunch (2:30pm): 1tbsp almond butter, 10oz of red wine (shut up it’s allowed)
  • Lunch (4:45pm): 1 chicken breast, 1/2 cup black beans, spinach/bell pepper/onion/tomato stir fry, 1/2 avocado
  • Dinner (8:45pm): 8oz grass fed ground beef, 1 cup spinach and 1/2 cup pintos sauteed together

That will be a pretty typical day (not the times, but the meals).

So, here begins my journey. Every 30 days or so I’ll post pictures and measurements. Between those times I’ll randomly post about my food and exercise or any other relevant info.

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Here are a few of my favorite Nietzsche quotes. Enjoy!

Men have on the whole spoken of love with such emphasis and so idolized it because they have had little of it and have never been allowed to eat their fill of this food: thus it became for them ‘food of the gods’. Let a poet depict a utopia in which there obtains universal love, he will certainly have to describe a painful and ludicrous state of affairs the like of which the earth has never yet seen – everyone worshipped, encumbered and desired, not by one lover, as happens now, but by thousands, indeed by everyone else, as the result of an uncontrollable drive which would then be as greatly execrated and cursed as selfishness had been in former times; and the poets in that state of things – provided that they were left alone long enough to write – would dream of nothing but the happy, loveless past, of divine selfishness, of how it was once possible to be alone, undisturbed, unloved, hated, despised on earth, and whatever else may characterize the utter baseness of the dear animal world in which we live.

I think this is a great audit of human nature. When we get what we want, we then long for that which we do not (or no longer) have. Also, this quote exemplifies the weakness of those who yearn for a utopia. They can’t/don’t/refuse to realize that there is no such thing. Humans are programmed to want. To consume. To continue. To seek. To explore. It isn’t possible for all to be harmonious and that, in my opinion, is a good thing.

To admit a belief merely because it is a custom – but that means to be dishonest, cowardly, lazy! – And so could dishonesty, cowardice and laziness be the preconditions for morality?

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I’d like to introduce a few concepts in this tutorial regarding WordPress and query strings. First of all, I understand that many of you will likely never deal with query strings and if you do (hopefully) you never even notice them. By “not noticing” query strings, I mean that whatever service is hopefully passing information to your site that doesn’t cause WordPress to 404. That, of course, means that the developers of such services need to be aware of the WordPress reserved terms.

What is a query string?

Have you ever been to a website and seen a bunch of nonsense after the url? Here is an example (non-functional) of what I mean:

// url without query string

http://thesistutor.com

// url with querystring

http://thesistutor.com?this=that&foo=bar&love=coffe&hate=24season8

That is pretty straightforward, I believe. Just think of everything after the ? as an array like this:

$query_array = array( 'this' => 'that', 'foo' => 'bar', 'love' => 'coffee', 'hate' => '24season8' );

In PHP there is a special predefined variable called $_GET that produces an array similar to the one above. Basically, this allows developers to literally get information passed to a site from a URL. This is extremely convenient and simple to use. For example, to get the value of love we would simply use $_GET["love"]. A practical example would be like this:

<?php

// outputs 'I see that you love coffee.'
echo 'I see that you love ' . $_GET["love"] . '.';

// or if you're awesome
printf( 'I see that you love %s.', $_GET["love"] );

?>

WordPress Reserved Terms

Unfortunately, there are a ton of variables that you can’t pass to WordPress or else you will get a 404 page. Some are very common terms, sadly. For instance, you cannot use name, calendar, link, more, year, type and many other terms. So what do you do if one of those terms is passed to your site? You certainly don’t want a 404 error.

I have seen a TON of tutorials that purport to have solved this problem with Apache rewrite rules. I think that technique is ridiculous and very unsafe. So, how can we rectify this without using outrageous Apache rewrite rules?

The solution is quite simple, actually.

The Code

First of all, it would be very atypical to desire every single page of a site to accept a reserved term. Most likely, it is just one or two pages. And even more likely, it is a single term and not plethora of them.

So here is the basic flow of how this will work. First we test to make sure we are on the desired page and that the reserved term is present in the query string. Then we will take the reserved term and simply rename it! For the sake of this example, we will assume that you are receiving the reserved term on a page whose id is 72. We’ll also assume that the reserved term you are going after is “link.”

<?php
add_action( 'wp' , 'reserved_term_intercept' );

function reserved_term_intercept(){
  global $wp_query;
  if( $wp_query->queried_object_id == 72 && isset( $_GET["link"] ) ){

    wp_redirect( get_permalink( 72 ) . "?newlink=" . $_GET["link"] . "&nonce=" . wp_create_nonce( 'nonce-name' ) );
    exit;
    }
  }
?>

Basically all we are doing is redirecting the page to itself and serving a modified query string. You also likely noticed that I added a nonce for some added security. Once the page has redirected, we need something to handle the modified query string. We could do something like this:

<?php

add_action( 'wp_head' , 'reserved_term_handling' );

function reserved_term_handling(){

  if( wp_verify_nonce( $_GET["nonce"], 'nonce-name' ) == TRUE && isset( $_GET["newlink" ) ){
    printf( '<script type="text/javascript" src="%s"></script>', urldecode( $_GET["newlink"] ) );
  }
}
?>

That’s all there is to it! No Apache rewrites. No messing with classes you don’t understand. Quick and simple, just the way developers like it :)

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